1. Place a toy on a soft level surface. Without support, can your child find a way to injure an eye or extremity within 30 seconds?
☐ Yes
☐ No
☐ Oh Jesus, get some ice QUICK
2. Can your child make a 3 or 4 word sentence? Does it make you doubt your formerly unshakeable beliefs regarding life/death/science? eg:
“How do germs think?”
“Why are all these smoked salmons dead?”
“Where was I before I was in your tummy?”
3. Without help, can your child put on a coat, jacket or shirt by herself?
☐ No
☐ God no
☐ If anything, child is now less dressed than when we started.
4. With your child watching, line up 4 blocks in a row. Does your child:
☐ Copy you
☐ Sob hysterically and demand new blocks
☐ Injure an eye or extremity within 30 seconds
5. Draw a straight line for your child to copy, like this:
Which most closely resembles your child’s line?
☐ Exuberant markmaking
☐ “Jellyfish wearing gloves.”
6. Does your child jump and run like others of the same age? Are you satisfied that they are wholly convinced of their own athletic prowess? Are you regularly called upon to gasp at their superhuman abilities? How are you preparing for the moment when your child has to run an actual race and comes second-last only because a kindly teaching assistant feigned cramp?
7. Overall, do you agree that your three year old fits into one of the officially recognised preschooler personality categories?
☐ Nic Cage mo-capping Red Fraggle
☐ Foil left in microwave
☐ Sentient lacrimal gland officiates onion wedding
☐ Shouty
Please sign this form and present it at your scheduled 36 month assessment. If you have any concerns about your child’s development in the interim, consult your local bus stop, where you will find cheerful seniors willing to share since-discredited advice from the late 1940s.
Signed:
Dated:
Lost in bag: