I want to be in the room where FAQs happen, or Hamilton: a quick-start guide

Haha, have you heard there’s a musical about, like, the first US treasury secretary Alexander Hamilton? A hip-hop musical?

Yep, I told you about it ages ago. To be fair, you probably didn’t listen because I was sweating and shedding like a thyroid-addled greyhound at the time.

Is there like, rapping? Do the founding fathers rap and ‘bust moves’? Because that’s hilarious!

Uh-huh. *examines nails*

I dunno, sounds kind of gimmicky…

Look, you can spend a few weeks scrunching up your nose at the very thought of Hamilton or you can CLIMB ON BOARD THIS SEXY BANDWAGON NOW AND RENEW YOUR ENTHUSIASM FOR LIFE AND CRY HAPPY TEARS AND THANK ME LATER.

Wow. Okay, relax, god. So where should I start, this thing is about a thousand hours long. Also I know nothing about US history or politics and I don’t really like hip-hop. Or musicals. Or things that other people like, because I am a special snowflake with unique and quirky tastes.

Get over yourself, princess; you’ll love this, I promise. You don’t want to be like one of those oddballs who refuses to watch Star Wars, do you? DO YOU?

No.

No. Exactly. Okay, so the speediest way in is probably:

Watch creator Lin-Manuel Miranda perform an early version of the opening number at the White House in 2009 – notice how everyone laughs at the beginning… but not for long. Also notice Michelle Obama snapping along. 😍 Uh, turn the subtitles on if, like me, you are old.

Love it a little bit already? Course you do! Now check out the full cast performing the same number in 2016. Look at those costumes. LOOK AT THEM.

Now go about your life as usual until you start getting the creeping earworms that invade your brain and dreams and conversations with concerned friends and family.

Yep. Okay. Okay. I’m totally with you. Now what? I am a functioning adult with a fulfilling career and social life. I don’t have time to follow two hours of governmental wrangling in the form of dope rhymes!

Hey, no need to brag, Busy McBusykins. First get on Spotify and listen to the first three tracks which are like a juggernaut of blinding magnificence that will make you question the point of your existence. Probably. Then if you’re feeling intimidated by the rest of the album, check out the plot summary on Wikipedia – you can hop around listening to the juicy bits that interest you like Say No To This (sex!), Stay Alive Reprise (death!), Yorktown (war!), Guns & Ships (guns! Also ships!), The Room Where It Happens (political banjo!).

Wait… it’s happening! I can’t stop listening to Hamilton and also telling people about Hamilton and please help me ahhhh!

Shh, you’re safe here on the bandwagon. Just relax into it.

I feel like I can rap now. Can I rap now? Am I a rapper?

No you’re not. And neither am I. Rapping is for the privacy of your own shower, like hair removal and secret leftover pizza.

Gotcha. So can I buy tickets to Hamilton London?

You can certainly try – check out the website here then sob a bit because you’ve missed priority sign-up. LOL, should’ve listened to the crazy sweaty lady back in April, suckah!

Um, thanks. To whom should I address all further concerns?

No problem. First rule of Hamilton Club is ‘Tweet Jim, he’ll know’. Second rule is ‘Secret shower pizza is secret’.

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