Five subplots in the Avengers: Infinity War of my dreams

As the only person ever who gets bored during the fighting bits in Marvel movies*, here are the non-combative subplots I’d like to see in Avengers: Infinity War.

*To be fair, I may not be Marvel’s target demographic.

Improved reviewing and reporting

Hey, remember in Ultron when Thor had to ‘report on the Hulk?’ and was then peer-pressured into providing a watered-down, anecdotal account that will prove of almost no value in a debriefing situation? Yeah, me too. Nightly.

Let’s see some best practice in action; maybe Kelsey Grammer, the most procedure-compliant X-Man, commands some kind of administrative Quinjet. Adminjet? That follows everyone around, like an impartial observer, and keeps really immaculate records. Potential scanning intern: Matty, a wisecracking humanoid formed of Black Widow’s many dreadful late-00s wigs.

Groot x Dum-E: Greasin’ The Wheels

Right? One’s a giant teenage tree, the other’s a retro robot arm! Together, they commit low-level crimes that allow the big guys to, uh, war. Infinitely.

They’ll nick a van/Taze your nan/Rewire a suit/I am Groot! *guitar slide*

Possible breakout franchise to capture the difficult over-85 former anarchist market.

More use of the ‘finger refocus’

If you’re not familiar with this technique, then may your eyeballs be ever charmed – basically, looking through a pinhole can provide enough focus for those rendered spectacles-less to check the time on a clock/number on a bus/horizon for warlords.

The moment in [film] when Tony Stark makes the ol’ finger telescope might be my favourite short-sighted shoutout ever, but now I can’t find it in my iTunes library and I’m starting to think it never happened. BACK ME UP HERE, FELLOW FOUR-EYESES.

Darcy

Hey remember all of the funny, quippy ladies in the ol’ MCU? Me neither. Bring back astro-intern Darcy in literally any capacity! Maybe she could pilot the Adminjet or just pop up as a fourth wall- breaking narrator who explains what’s happening for anyone who hasn’t watched all 17 previous films because they have jobs and laundry.

Carbs for everyone

Similar to the Avengers’ shawarma-fest; post-credits, the supes enjoy one enormous bowl of carbonara. All the Spider-Men end up smooching, like in Lady & The Tramp, then Stan Lee wanders out in a dirty apron and separates the timestreams with a mop. Hulk crunches up the Infinity Stones like croutons. Thor flexes.

FIN.

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