Man, I feel like a WAHM-argh

We’re up all night to get mum. We’re up all night to kill mummy.

People often say to me ‘Jenny, how do you write words for money AND look after a toddler all day long?’ and ‘How do you come up with column ideas while sleep deprived?’ and ‘What’s that smell? I think it’s coming from the sink?’ So here are my top tips for being a work-at-home mum, huzzah!

Wear real clothes

Slobbing around in your pyjamas all day makes it really difficult to get into work mode; I find the most efficient way to maintain a srz bznz persona is to sleep fully dressed. Stick a discounted Joules blazer over that rumpled fine knit and you’ll look like a goddamn professor when the Tesco man arrives at half-past sadface.

Interstitial time

Use small idle moments to work on other tasks. Waiting for the bath to fill? Load the washing machine! Call centre keeping you on hold? Wipe down the kitchen surfaces! Toddler insisting you help her crawl up and down the stairs over and over again? Develop a complex imaginary relationship with your favourite X-Man! Awaiting the sweet release of death? Chop up some vegetables for dinner! Note that none of these tasks will ever be completed, leaving you feeling like Martha Stewart has attacked your home with a mallet.

Write anything, anywhere, whenever

It’s important to develop your own USP. Mine is ‘Scarecrow woman blindly pecks out acceptable copy on her phone at 3am. Sometimes in the car*.’

Let your toddler help

Ada loves to help out around the house! From inspecting the contents of the bin to sticking crayons up the hoover, it’s amazing how the most mundane tasks can become an enrichment opportunity. Or a trip to A+E.

Drink a lot of coffee

How much coffee do you currently drink? Double it. If it’s not yet dawn, add condensed milk.

Listen to Chris

Chris says I should conclude this post by pointing out how unsuccessful I am at sane WAHMing lest I come across as some kind of smugpants princess lazybones. Done. #coffeetime

*Parked. Safety first, insomniacs!

Shameless self-promotion, December edition

Here, in a bid to convince Google-happy employers of the future that I didn’t (just) sit on the floor eating bonbons for the whole of 2016, are some actual real-life places you can find my work this month. If you want, I mean. No pressure. Bonbon?

Ohhhhhhh Comely


Be the sexiest mofo in your local artisanal coffee house with issue 34 of Oh Comely. It includes my piece about returning to the motherland, but don’t let that put you off – there’s also pretty photography! And time travel! And other writers who don’t throw exclams around like cheap confetti at a 1960s wedding! Check out the sampler then buy it here and head to Costa, tiger.

99 problems but a chainstitch ain’t one


What do you mean, you haven’t yet crocheted a giant retro stocking for your child/partner/cat? Do you have hands and eyes? Then there is no excuse. I made this in a weekend and my fingers almost fell off – totally worth it. Find the pattern in Your Crochet Christmas and get your RSI on this December.

BONUS: Make two and you can use them as actual stockings for a giant or someone with elephantitis of the legs.

Is this real life? Better, it’s MacLife!

I have something in super-awesome US tech title MacLife this month. Do I remember what? No. Is it good? Maybe. Does it feature passive-aggressive mention of something weird my husband does? Almost certainly. Perhaps long-suffering editor Matt will step in and help us out. I’m sure he has nothing better to do SORRY MATT I TRIED. #brandscaping

Edit: Thanks Matt! January 2017 issue, I share my efforts to stop eating like every meal is my last. 


But wait, there’s also some award humblebragging


Chris and I won a PPA Scotland award! Sure, it was in a novelty category, but frankly the same could be said for most of my lifetime achievements. Thank you, PPA! Fistbump!